Reach for those dreams…damn it

Dreams can come true, if we have the courage  to pursue them…

Walt Disney

Cinderella Castle at the Magic Kingdom, Walt D...

Cinderella Castle at the Magic Kingdom, Walt Disney World Resort (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m a forty year old mother of two and like many of us, I have years of broken and unrealised dreams.

Why is this? What has prevented me from moving forward and reaching my dreams…will they forever be a dream, or can they become a reality, can they become my life, my living reality?

The reasons why I haven’t lived the life I thought I would are as varied as flavours for ice-cream. And I imagine it could be the same for you, not one reason, but many. At the top of my list would be  fear.

Fear to be seen, and as silly as it sounds, to make a difference, to show the world who I really am. To be my authentic self. To be scared to make a mistake, to fail, to be told by someone, ‘hey you suck – what were you thinking’. 

I was once told I didn’t have a natural affinity with words and with writing. I can’t say I wasn’t devastated, and it wasn’t a blow to my confidence. Those words hurt and I ached with shame and disappointment. I never told anyone what was said to me that day. It was too hard to admit I was a failure, that I didn’t have what it took to be a writer. I lost faith in my ability. And simply I gave up. It was like I’d been stood up at the alter. I didn’t fight, and say, “I’ll show him. Instead I wallowed in self-pity and took the easy route, went back to what I knew.  Maybe that person was right, maybe I don’t have a natural affinity with words. But if words and stories had always played a role in my life, should I have let one man change the direction I was striving, and my my secret dreams?

A few years later I was standing in a book store when  I bent down to pick up a book, and as I leant over images of the word ‘words’  floated toward me, like the words were on an invisible escalator. It was like looking at one of those inspirational posters with its fancy typography that is wordy and clever. But the typography was black and simple. And only said one thing. Words.

I guess by now, any reader of this post, is shaking his or her head, and wondering, ‘is this writer off her nut, and completely cuckoo? Maybe your finger is already hovering over the ‘close’ button or at the very least you are wondering where this post is going. And you may be right, even if the description of the writer is not what one might call being ‘politically correct’.

It’s slightly possible that I had a lack of flow of blood to my head as I bent down to read the back of the book. Who knows? But this image stuck anyway, whatever the cause, real or imagined.

This ‘vision’ sits at one end of a continuum, which has the heading, ‘Can I make it as a writer’ . At the end of the continuum is the earlier comment: ‘No natural affinity with words. Not a natural writer’. 

Over the last 15 years (Where have the years gone?) I’ve travelled back and forth along this continuum. Self-doubt, procrastination, fear, and motherhood have all played a role in my lack of feeling complete and achieving the goals and the life I’d dreamt. Of course it’s not all bad, I have two awesome teenagers and a wonderful partner.

So what is the point of this blog, you ask? Apart from sharing what a loser and nutcracker I am!

This blog is about coming out from under the shadows, about being brave, about writing about topics that I care about, and finally finding out at the age of forty, who this person really is.

This post is for all of you out there, who like me has had dreams, but for one reason or another they have been beyond your reach. We can’t give up. Do you hear that clock ticking? That’s each second of your precious time, your precious life.

Are there any sleepwalkers out there? If so, what has prevented you from achieving those dreams and what can you do about it. Today. 

Start now. Open up your desktop/tablet/notebook – whatever makes you heartbeat quicken – and comment  on this post or write your own blog, life story, or do whatever you have to do to take that first step from dream to reality….

 

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